This breakup has dragged on into a nebulous gray area, but this much is clear: Actions speak louder than words. I told him(my former boyfriend) that this week. He texted, wanting to know if I was going to get another bear. It’s like yes, I have every right to. I want someone who wants to be with me right now. Not in April. Someone who wants to see me every weekend and even waiting until then is not enough.
Through tears and hopefully some clarity, I’m trying to day by day press on. Lately, the kind of heavy sadness has hit me, where it’s harder to get out of bed and I’m less motivated. The world is tinted gray. If you look out the window that also applies because I live in Chicago.
But as someone older told me tonight, don’t discount yourself. There will be others. You want someone who makes you a priority. Plus this week I’ve felt the tangible anticipation for a new, fulfilling job. I’m working on getting one by February. If only, I could just get a beautiful black lab. A carton of eggs, some milk and a dog just like that. Tears are streaming down my face as I write this. Six more days until California. San Francisco, sunshine and family here I come.
As much as it hurts right now, I hope one day I can look back on this and be thankful. Sometimes something has to end for something else to begin. I felt inspired yesterday when I read that my favorite blogger, Cup of Jo started her blog as a distraction from heartbreak. Likewise, I hope to rise like a phoenix out of the ashes of this inwardly devastating event. I’ll be able to point to this time and say, look at those jobs I applied to and the dream job I got! Look at all the writing that came out of my soul. Those stories that I finally got published in x wonderful publication.
I can’t help, but cry harder, breathe shallow breaths. I know God loves me and didn’t do this just to pain me.
I think I will need a little time to heal. It’s going to be so hard. I look forward to getting on a plane and flying away, to seeing all the changes in my life both now and later that will come.