The passage of time is currently my enemy. You’d think with three stories left, stories for my master’s capstone, I’d be in a state of panic. Instead I’m practicing avoidance. Although, if I sit quietly I feel the knot in my stomach and teariness that could easily be summoned.
I hate school, but I love writing. Therein lies the contradiction. I also hate bad writing and I’m terrified of sucking.
Will Ferrell’s words are ringing through me, my fear of failure should not approach my fear of what if nor my fear of regret. Heck, he’s still afraid. I think fear is especially tied to creative endeavors. There are no rules. Each time you’re creating something no one else has. I should add that I don’t usually abide by Will Ferrell’s words in life, but his recent USC commencement speech was relatable, laugh-out-loud hilarious and motivational.
I guess I’m also scared of disappointing my family. My dad’s always encouraged me to pursue what I love, when the rest of the world seems to value titles like engineer or programmer. The common response to hearing I majored in English was, “oh you want to be a teacher?” For the love of God, NO!
Being in this state of delaying the inevitable work that I’m giving myself less and less time to do puts me in a persnickety mood. People tend to be less friendly, surrounded by their clique, like the funny black guy in my data class. Mike told me some of the black students at Medill call themselves, “the Black Medill.” While it’s awesome that there are so many of them, maybe they’re also missing out by being clique-y. You can learn from people who are different than you.
A recent text got me thinking about people who divide themselves off into a clique based on, we record music together, we’re so musical. Well if you’re so musical why don’t you make a living off of it? I know a girl here who majored in viola performance and is playing for the Chicago civic orchestra.
It’s scary to follow your dreams. But the regret I know I’d feel if I never at least tried to be a journalist got me to choose journalism school over law school.
I could also use encouragement. Fear can be paralyzing. And while the peace of working alone on my projects/stories can be a pleasant vacuum where it’s just me and my work, sometimes it feels terribly isolating. It always helps to hear from others that fight through those moments of self doubt and thinking you can’t do it or make it.