The difference Between Dreams and IDEALS

I had to drive from regular Anaheim to home and used the time to listen to a podcast featuring Deborah (Scatterday) Johnson talking about her new cookbook. She fulfilled her childhood dream of writing a cookbook, describing it as a dream she put on the back burner while she did what was expected of her, until it was knocking at her heart and she couldn’t ignore it. Hearing that reminded me that I have dreams, ones I have had on the back burner since becoming a mom. I definitely idealized stay-at-home mom life before living it. I expected to have all this time to work on my writing, get that AMWA (American Medical Writers Association) certification, resell thrift finds and declutter my closet and garage at the same time. Instead, it’s been a deeply humbling, challenging and life-changing time. My other blog, an outlet at a raw moment goes into this. We moved to CA. I wrapped up my old job and a month later we found out my husband had an eye tumor. He had two surgeries. I had surgery days after finding out I was pregnant with my now 8 month old. My husband woke up from his second surgery blind in one eye as we waited to see if his vision would come back and his tumor was benign or cancerous. The C word, the wait to find out if it would dominate our life was the hardest week of my life. I don’t like to make excuses, but the past 2.5 years were filled with managing, coping and dealing. Surving, and managing to thrive, but not in the way I pictured with energy beyond caring for first one child and a husband recovering from two surgeries and now for a baby with moderate eczema and multiple food allergies.

This IS 35

Started the week off feeling upset and dissatisfied with being 35 and not having improved our house or sense of community by making close friends in our new neighborhood until Alf pointed out we did not have a typical year last year. We spent months of it recovering from surgery, having bad morning sickness etc. Especially in light of the devastating fires in LA with over 100,000 people displaced from their homes including two of our friends, I am thankful to just have a safe place to live in, never mind the dog fur and beige stucco walls. Though I did tell Alfred I wouldn’t mind if a fire burned our house down and insurance paid for a new construction, though of course I don’t want all the neighbor’s houses to burn down and the risk to everyone’s life, health, pets, cars etc. I’m sure it’s easy to think that, but the reality would be very scary and some in our neighborhood may have difficulty fleeing, people could be injured etc.

To kick off my 35th year on earth I’ll write a list of what I’m grateful for:

1. We’re all relatively healthy (granted Alfred’s vision loss is ongoing, but at least it’s stable and as of now he doesn’t need another procedure). This alone means we can have a different kind of year than last year.
2. Naomi! Her empathy and humorous comments. Today when I told her to climb into her car seat. She said, I’m really lazy right now, help me. Or when Alfred asks her to cuddle in the morning when she first wakes up, “No thank you” and “I don’t want to.” When I was crying on Monday, Naomi gave me a hug and asked if I was ok.
3. All of our parents are alive and healthy in their 70s, or about to turn 70 this year. Not something to take for granted. The ones with more health problems last year were me and Alfred.
4. My friends and an upcoming Maui trip!
5. Travel, the fact that we can this year. Alfred got the national parks pass and we plan to start crossing some CA national parks off our list while we live here. We realized we didn’t want to wait for it to be easier to travel. We can travel now with 1, soon-to-be 2 kids. Want to take advantage of the sleepy baby, pre-mobile phase when younger babies are easier to travel with and sleep more.
6. The ability to change and work on aspects of my life I’m not happy with, the dust and clutter in our room, which I tackled today while Naomi watched some paw patrol. Going to work on decluttering different surfaces, drawers, and closets every day even if for only 5-15 min. By the end of the year I won’t be upset that things are the same.
7. I have a career to go back to that I love. Sure I wish I were further along in my career and a senior medical writer before having Naomi, but I’m thankful I have experience and something to go back to. If I needed to, I could get another job in the industry.
8. Thankful I don’t need to work and we can still save money. Many times last year, money felt unimportant in light of the what-ifs, what if the tumor was cancerous, what if Alf is blind in one eye forever. We have the renewed capacity to focus more on saving. We did save last year despite the increased medical bills, reaching our out-of-pocket maximum etc. This year we can save more towards our goal of buying a house/condo in another state and getting out of here.
9. A healthy uneventful pregnancy thus far (minus the emergency surgery that thankfully didn’t affect the baby).

New BLOG

Dear Readers, I’ve migrated to a new blog with a fresh perspective, that of my friend’s deceased dog (It’s an inside joke). I invite you to follow along at https://fawnswisdomandadvicecolumn.wordpress.com/ where I write frankly about some health and life challenges in my family and community using the dog’s voice as lens to lend perspective, humor and distance to raw and painful topics.

Newlywed in the time of Corona

Welcome to life in 2020. Never could have imagined I’d get married during a global pandemic before three guests (the rest were on Zoom) and spend our honeymoon largely at our new, thankfully very cute apartment in Madison. Being married feels surprisingly normal and not that different than the week before when I was the only one living in our new apt, but Alfred was over here from morning till night, only leaving to go to his place to sleep. My only regret is not getting married earlier! Wish we could’ve spent more time married, maybe beat this global pandemic, just a few weeks earlier and our guests could’ve come in person.

Little discoveries from our almost 1 week of marriage:

1. Temperature preference differences: He get’s hot so easily! During the middle of the night, his side of the bed feels like a furnace under the blankets, while the sheets on my side are cool to the touch. He’s always wanting to open our balcony door to let in cool air, while I’m cold and wanting to close it.
2. I can’t be as cheap as I want anymore. I’m used to being very frugal, even as my salary has risen I’m still used to living like a poor grad student. Alfred likes nice things and wanted to buy a 2k couch, a 1k plus flatscreen. We compromised, so we didn’t buy the cheapest couch, but one that’s worth the money and high quality. We got a 1k couch from Article whose arrival we eagerly await. (Alfred’s comment I make it sound like he wants to live lavishly, which he doesn’t. We can afford these things, I just loathe to spend the money).
3. I also can’t be as messy as I want anymore or take over all the space in the apt. Last week when I lived here on my own, Alfred said, “Don’t make this your man cave.” How I’d put my stuff in the bathroom cabinet was not up to his neat standard. I knew him well enough to hold off on organizing the kitchen, because of course he had a plan for the best places for items.
4. I’m being watched. If I’m not focusing on work, there’s someone to comment on and observe me. If I’m not using the best cooking or cleaning methods, Alfred wants to come over and help. Reminds me of the song I sang in youth group, something like, You’re not alone, He follows you, all through thick or thin. . He is there.
5. We have different social needs. Alfred is content in shelter in place. He could do this for months. I feel trapped at home and hate not being able to see friends, go to meetings. I miss gatherings of any sort!! I miss my office and my co-workers.

While we’re two very different people, marriage is fun and I recommend it. As an extrovert, I couldn’t have survived shelter in place by myself in an apt. I still want a pet though and we joke about kidnapping the neighbor’s goldendoodle when we hear it barking.

Where will life take me in 2019?

Seeing green at Garfield Park Conservatory in Chicago. Shot by me.

Seems like relative tranquility in my life means less writing. For much of 2018, I was posting on this blog more than usual and writing copious journal entries about my love life in my dedicated google doc. Still, writing more is a top goal of 2019, which includes this blog, finishing a book chapter for my old boss, and finally getting a freelance news article published. Last year’s goals are largely checked off, except doing some work in news. I did get a new job as a Medical Writer, but I’m not doing as much writing as I would like. I’m not claiming I’ve met the love of my life either. You don’t really know if someone is until you get to the point of being engaged soon.

While life has stabilized thanks to a wonderful lack of heartbreak and my new job, it’s like I’ve grown accustomed to continuous change. This calm and stability are almost mundane. When you’re at a low, it’s stimulating, you’re driven to make changes because you have to. I want to be no less driven for change and growth than I am when times are tough. The onset of sub-zero temperatures and wind chill has me thinking of moving south or at least taking a weekend trip away. While I’ve settled into my new job and current life, it’s not as if I’ve arrived. I’m yearning to be challenged, to not just play it safe in my career and turn my back on the news industry just because it’s difficult to enter. Time passes regardless of what you do. Might as well take risks and push myself. Being 29 is freakin wonderful. Growing older is great, but time is still finite. What will I do with my one wild and precious life? By 30, 11 months from now, I’d like to break into news. At minimum one published article in 2019. I also want to be living in a new city with my long-awaited pet by my 30th birthday. Anything else is just cherries on top.

How will I know what choices to make to get me there? It can be hard to know which way the Lord is leading you. Where is He leading or do I even have a leading. Most often though, He says, No. Got that gem from the Midwest college retreat. The future, even the next few months, is impossible to predict, but if you trust Him and follow where He leads, it’ll be good. Perhaps different than your current definition of good, but ultimately better than my own plans. I didn’t expect to be in Chicago this long, but I’m sure glad I’m here.

A continual new beginning

Photo by me

“Out is out.” “Past is past.” My mom’s mottos relayed months ago have become mine. Hopes and declarations I wrote on this blog are now my reality. The past is in the dust. I ended up staying in Chicago, but it’s a new city to me. I’ve long miraculously, yet also normally healed. It’s as if I molted off the feathers of sadness and emerged an entirely new bird. And the change I so wanted I’ve gotten in spades: a new neighborhood and apartment, one new roommate and a new job! Enough newness that the fabric of daily life is different. New streets to make familiar and a new route to work to start my day.

Yet another area of my life has seen change, but I won’t go into that here. A powerful lesson I learned this year is that I’d rather be happily single than in a bad relationship that makes me sad. I also know to my core that I’m content regardless of what happens in life because I have Him. If I have Him (the Lord Jesus), I have everything. Through the years, I’ve learned to trust Him and just say, “You do whatever you want. You know and I don’t.” This is an area of your life you don’t have control over anyway, so it’s freeing to put it entirely on Him. Even if you’re in a relationship, there’s no way to predict or know if it’ll work out until it does. But He knows. It’s all in His hands. I’ll just be chilling over here and enjoying the gift of each day of life.

 

Restless for Change

I randomly emailed a recruiter I’d been talking to about a dream job in Atlanta almost a year ago. While the motivation has greatly changed, I still feel restless and hungry for change. Do I just need a new job? A new neighborhood in Chicago? I remember needing to move from Evanston to downtown and how that gave me the change I craved.  For almost a year now, I’ve been feeling that my time in Chicago is almost up. I just don’t know exactly when or where to next. Perhaps Atlanta or NYC. So long as it’s a livable place and not somewhere like Indiana.  I’m glad that my next move won’t be a reaction to wanting to escape the past. It would be about finding my next adventure. So much of life is made up of routine, waking up to my alarm, walking to work, trying to go to bed early. I think I want to do all these things somewhere completely new, where riding the trains, walking the streets is unfamiliar. I don’t feel a pull towards California. Never Los Angeles, I say. The idea of moving somewhere I’ve never even been sounds appealing. Atlanta fits that criteria and I’ve researched it. It’s home to the CDC, CNN, and nice Southern people. The desire to move somewhere new comes down to wanting to feel challenged I think. I’ve hit that level of comfort and ease in Chicago that makes me think perhaps it’s time to shake it up with a new location or at least a new neighborhood and new job.

Things I’ve learned so far this year

1. I don’t need to move to escape the past. Chicago is my home. Time is my friend.
2.  Everyone was right, the passage of time is a wondrous, healing thing.
3. I am truly grateful for all the wonderful relationships in my life that will never end. Not everyone has parents they are comfortable opening up to and getting advice from whether it be about life, finances, or relationships. My two sisters are my life long best friends, who I enjoy texting in  “The Lings” ongoing group text.
4. Not to be so “scared” of spending money or to be so cheap. This is something I’m continuing to learn, but it struck me when my roommate said, I’m scared to spend money. Does money really hold any power over me? Then I recently read Matt 6 and came away feeling that the Lord has given me everything, Himself, my two jobs, etc. I could never begin to repay Him back, but everything I am and have is already His. Saving seems to give me a sense of security in an uncertain world, but I’m not here to store up for myself treasures on the earth. And as that same roommate pointed out if I did have unexpected medical bills amounting to tens of thousands of dollars, surely my family would help me.
5. It’s not the reason you should spend on others, but it’s given me more joy than spending on myself. My favorite purchase of this year thus far was my contribution to a group gift for a dear childhood friend/college roommate so she could go to Israel with us.
6. The power of vulnerability in the workplace. Recently, I found myself in a position where I felt like I had to reveal the fact that I have anxiety to my boss. I explained that I was once prescribed medication for it, but it hurt my stomach and I prefer to not take medication. The majority of the time, it’s like I don’t have anxiety anyways. It felt like such a personal, embarrassing thing to reveal, so I was surprised at the supportive reaction I got. It’s not embarrassing, he said. He asked what he could do minimize my anxiety at work.
7. Maybe I don’t need a pet right now and dog sitting is more practical. Ok, so not a huge revelation, but I’ve been awaiting the time I can get a pet ever since I’ve moved to Chicago.
8. One day at a time. One step at a time. My ongoing life motto. Everything’s turned out swimmingly so far, why worry about what hasn’t happened yet?

Timely help (with my groceries)

Photo taken by me this Saturday

“In everything give thanks. . ” has been ringing through my head lately(1 Thes 5:18). Sometimes I wish I was someone who felt less or not as strongly or didn’t care or need to have a family and a more fulfilling, challenging job. But I am what I am and I am where I am. It helps to remember to be thankful and give thanks for all things, for where I am and for simply being alive and breathing in the crisp, Chicago air.

Certain moments make the feeling of being painfully alone rise to the surface. Something about coming home from the airport with no one to pick me up does that. Struggling with carrying multiple grocery bags does that too. I think, yes I’m tough and independent, but sometimes I don’t want to be. I’ve even had the dramatic thought that if something happened to me and I were in the hospital, no one would visit me(hopefully not true).

I was starting to feel that way Sunday as I left Mariano’s grocery store with three heavy brown paper bags full of groceries and my bulky winter coat. I had to pause every block or so to rest my arms, take off more layers etc. I think I was telling the Lord about it too. The train station was still a ways off, when a van pulled up by me at a stoplight. A middle-aged man, asked if I wanted a ride. Of course I had to assess whether I’d come out of this ride alive. Somehow, I had the sense that this man was a decent human being just trying to help me out.

We made comfortable small talk and I told him, people like you are one of the reasons I love Chicago. Since I’m writing this, you know the ride ended with me and my groceries intact. That man’s small act of kindness made my day. I think the Lord knew I needed that, some sign that I’m not alone and there’s help.

Taking action

What are you doing today to make your dreams a reality? That’s my motto. When my sister asked what can you do about your concerns, the answer was easy: apply to jobs and something personal I can’t mention here. Just know that I’m making progress in both my career goals and love life. Leaning into my career and taking care of myself Sheryl Sandberg style is how I’m moving forward.

Speaking of Sheryl Sandberg, I recommend her book “Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience and Finding Joy.” In the wake of loss, a breakup, divorce, death or other hardship you wish you could go back to what you had before, but that’s no longer an option. You have to kick the sh** out of option B instead. Her words, not mine.

Her stories about different difficulties people encountered and how they persisted were so encouraging. Resilience comes from moving past the three P’s: Personalization, Pervasiveness and Permanence. They refer to the beliefs that what happened was your fault (personalization), that it will affect all areas of your life (pervasiveness) and that the aftershocks of the event will last forever (permanence). I’m definitely guilty of the last one. I question if I’ll always be this sad and whether my happiness will always be tinged with an undercurrent of sadness. But, it’s a fact that I won’t always feel this way. Gottta give myself credit for how strong I’ve been and all the days I kill it at work and in life.

Taking action reveals that these inner fears aren’t true. Instead of remaining in my worry or anxiety, doing something dispels it. Taking advantage of the snowball effect and rolling with my energy and motivation to greater and greater effect felt so good today. Starting an application for one job today led to completing three. Again, I credit my new favorite blogger “Just Amyllennial” with this idea. Identify what you can do to work with the situation you’ve got.

These days I’m filled with the sense that I’m on the cusp of change. There’s a new job and stories waiting to be done by me. I’ve made some promising connections with fellow Medill alumni that will help me publish and sell freelance stories. Stay tuned.