Feeling fat or feeling ugly- two feelings I’ve let overtake me and cause me to hate on myself for spells in my teens and early twenties. You see in high school, suddenly I developed really bad acne and had bad skin for years. So I’m always astonished now when someone says, “you have good skin,” or otherwise doesn’t believe that my skin used to be the bane of my existence. Thank you time and thank you Bare minerals makeup.
I like to think that all those years of wearing sunscreen daily because the acne medication makes you more susceptible to burns means my skin will be great when I’m old. Also, oily skin tends to wrinkle less than dry skin. So, I’m hoping I’ll be the one with good skin compared to my peers when we’re elderly.
Ugh, feeling fat, a paradoxical phrase, but one I’m guilty of speaking aloud. I started to consistently feel that way immediately post college during my two years in Bible school up until a year and a half ago. I did lose the weight I’d gained, like 15 pounds, but also how I feel about myself shifted.
Hard to pinpoint, but I think I’m not as hard on myself, not as critical. At 27 I love the skin I’m in. My boyfriend has been a good example. His attitude is all I don’t have to ask if I’m good looking. I know I look good! He finds confidence attractive. Being a shrinking insecure violet is not attractive. Some of the change in how I see and accept myself is related to him. He thinks I’m cute even when I’m in sweats and glasses and a turtleneck sweater, my library study outfit. He’s seen me without makeup and had no reaction or comment whatsoever. His acceptance of me has helped my own. I’m more likely to not wear makeup now. And saying I feel fat or ugly has been mostly removed from my vocabulary, especially with him.
But how I feel about myself goes beyond him. Sure, I’m not as skinny as my lowest weight in college or high school(although in college I had an eating disorder), but I don’t care. I like the way I am. If anything my boyfriend is bummed that I lost weight, especially my booty, but I think my weight is perfect. For the first time in years, I’m not trying to be low carb or gluten free or a restrictive vegetarian portion measurer like I was in college. I eat when and what I want to.
One of my best friends back home in LA is trying to lose weight. I want to tell her that accepting myself and finally not worrying or trying to lose weight is what got me back to normal, the weight my body naturally wants to be at. And you’re perfect the way you are right now too. Society tells us “the skinnier the better”, but actually some guys prefer more meat. Not that what a guy likes should dictate your weight. My boyfriend doesn’t like the stick skinny look and I think he nicknamed me kitten and not cat because he thinks I’m little. Own who you are right now, the face and body the good Lord has given you. For as the good book says we’re all “fearfully and wonderfully made” by God who formed our inward parts and wove us together in our mothers womb (Psalm 139:13-14).